05.18.2002 /20:26
Lately what I am doesn't seem to matter at all. I guess what I'd have to call myself lately is celibate. Meaning voluntarily abstaining from sexual intercourse.
Why am I like this? Several reasons that I can think of. I've found that a sexual relationship can be all-consuming, that it can overwhelm all other aspects of life. I don't like to lose myself so completely. I've also found that I am very picky when it comes to who I'm willing to get naked with. I've also had one or two rather unpleasant experiences in the past. So I don't have sex these days. I sometimes feel like a freak, especially since I'm not, y'know, saving myself for anything since I already gave that away years ago, but mostly I feel ok.
I haven't set any goals or anything, like "so many years and then back in the saddle..." I just realized one day that I hadn't wanted to go to bed with someone badly enough that I did it in a long time, and rather then going out and finding someone to break a dry spell I just decided to go with it. Most of the time these days when a boy is interested I'm not. It'll just seem like too much trouble to bother. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't really think so though, because I still feel the special down there tingles when a foxy boy crosses my radar. I'm still lusty, baby! I just don't seem to want the complications that come with boinking. I could just get super slutty I guess, but that doesn't strike me as especially fulfilling...
Some of this I know comes from the fact that I probably won't be able to have a baby. Something happened (one of the aforementioned unpleasant experiences) that left some scar tissue that makes it unlikely that I'll be able to get pregnant if I wanted to. It's not 100%, but it's not good either. When I first found out I went through some pretty heavy depression. I hadn't thought about having children, but I'd like the option, you know. It made me feel that the whole relationship thing just didn't have a point anymore.
I feel weird sometimes because most of my friends are in relationships and getting married and stuff. I get the feeling that they feel sorry for me or something, and they try to set me up sometimes which is uncomfortable. I haven't talked to any of them about this because, well, I don't know why. I don't like being the object of gossip for whatever reason. I feel odd when I go out with a group of couples. I guess it'd be nice to have someone who was obligated to go out to eat and to the movies with me, but I don't want to share my bathroom with him! I suppose one day I'll either meet someone I like enough to share the bathroom with or I'll just get fifteen cats and a vibrator.
[comment on this /0]
+ listening to: Lucinda Williams
+ eating: hot and sour soup
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